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For those of you who know Joey, you know he has a new joke and always has new "words of wisdom" to share.

This stuff is sooooo good(!) it will make you bring back things you didn't even steal!
 
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, you can be sure the water bill is higher!
 
Life is like a banana - it's not always a peeling.
 
My first wife drove me to drinking - Never did thank her enough.
 
We have what it takes to take what you have (IRS)
 
If at 1st you don't succeed - QUIT - Sky Diver.
 
Ass, gas or grass - no one rides for free.
 
The trouble with people who don't have much to say is that you have to listen so long to find it out!

Chili Cook Off 
 
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you  know how true this is. There is a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster  named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. 
  
  
  Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
  cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
  happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
  directions to the beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
  other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
  and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
  accepted." 

  
  
  Here are the scorecard notes from the event: 
   
  ****************************************************
  
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
  
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
  
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
  
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy snikies, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
 
 
  ***************************************************** 
  
  CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
  
  
  
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
  
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
  

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. 

  
  *****************************************************

 CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... 
 
  
  Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
  
  Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
  
 Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
 feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
 Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
 backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting wasted from all of
 the beer. 

  
  
  ***************************************************** 
  
  CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... 
  
  
  Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  
  Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
 or other mild foods not much of a chili.
  
 Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
 unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
 was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
 to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
 aphrodisiac? 

 
  *****************************************************  
  
  CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... 
  
 Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
 adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
  
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
 admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  
 Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
 and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
 needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
 chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
 pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
 off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
 screaming. Screw those rednecks. 
  

  ***************************************************** 
  
  CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... 
  
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
 spices and peppers.
  
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
  
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sharted on myself and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rectum with a
snow cone. 

  
  ***************************************************** 
  
  CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... 
  
 Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
 peppers.
  
 Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
 of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
 worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
 cursing uncontrollably.
  
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach. 

  
  ***************************************************** 
  
  CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...  
  
 Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
 bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  
 Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
 nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
 sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
 to really hot chili?
  
Judge # 3 - No Report

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